Completely LOST
by A4
Summary: The dramatic story of 48 people, and 1 Other, stranded on a dramatic island after a dramatic plane crash. Learn the stories of these very dramatic people and experience all the dramatic drama for yourself!
1. The Pilot: Part 1

**Scn: Mysterious jungle. **

(Man wakes up and pulls out small bottle of booze.)

Jack: Oh man, how drunk did I get?

(Dog appears)

Vincent: Hey Jack! You need to come quick, our plane's crashed on the beach!

Jack: Stop barking dog! I've got to figure out what the hell's going on.

Vincent: Well, fuck you then. (Trots off.)

Jack: (takes off sprinting through the jungle, emerges on the beach.)

Jack: HOLY SHIT.

**Scn: Plane crash**

Jack: So many tortured souls! Who to help first? Sees a man being crushed by a piece of wreckage

Jack: That wounded extra over there looks good!

Shannon: I think I'll just stand here and scream to make the scenario that much more traumatic!!

Michael: WAALLT!!! WAALLLTT!!(Won't become annoying until Season 2)

Locke: Hey, I can walk! I can walk!

Jack: Yeah that's great baldy, now get over here and help me! (Sees hot pregnant chick. Runs over to her.)

Jack: How many months pregnant are you?

Claire: God, from the size of my stomach I'd say it's been about two years.

Jack: (sees Hurley and calls over to him)

Jack: Hey, hey you! You, fat guy! Take care of this hot pregnant chick while I go tend to the old, wrinkly lady.

Hurley: Dude, you've got to be kidding me.

Jack: Yeah, whatever. Just don't eat the fetus.

Hurley: …………..

Redshirt: Hey guys! I just found a hatch in the jungle! I think we should-

Locke: Hey get away from there!

Redshirt: (stops) What'd you say? (gets sucked into engine)

Locke: …Not my fault.

Jack: (runs over to Boone, who is trying to perform CPR on an unconscious Rose)

Jack: Stop, stop what are you doing?!

Boone: Hey man, I'm a lifeguard!

Jack: Well, you seriously need to go fuck yourself.

Boone: Hey, maybe if we had a pen we could stick a hole in her throat and-

Jack: Yeah whatever, just go do _something._

Rose: (awakens) Oh Bernard, I'm so horny!!

Jack: …I'm not even going to touch on that one.

(Calming music starts to play, excitement begins to die down.)

Boone: Here you go doc, I found five pens.

Jack: You really are an idiot, aren't you?

**Scn: Secluded spot on beach**

Jack: (looks at wound) Hopefully nobody can see me crying over here.

Kate: FREEDOM!!

Jack: Excuse me but would you mind stitching me up while I recite my whole character audition?

Kate: I feel an attraction coming on.

**Scn: Night at wreckage**

Hurley: (passing out food) Okay, one for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. Well, I'll at least be nice and give the pregnant chick two. Maybe I can eventually get her to sleep with me.

Boone: Chocolate?

Shannon: As if I'm going to start eating chocolate.

Boone: Damn Shannon, you've only said one line and already the audiences are getting the vibes that you're a grade-A bitch.

Shannon: I'll eat on the rescue boat, fag!

Boone: Yeah, maybe if I save this thing for about 4-5 more seasons.

Jin: (speaking Korean) Okay Sun, we can't understand anybody. It is because of this that I think we should completely seclude ourselves from everyone and catch fish all day.

Sun: (sighs) Ahh, where's Jae when you need him?

(Just then a strange noise echoes through the jungle, causing a panic in the camp)

Kate: What the hell is that knocking down the trees?

Jack: Where's Hurley?

Hurley: Right behind ya, Jack-ass.

(Jack and Kate stare)

Hurley: What? I tried out for the part of Sawyer too.

**Scn: _Oceanic Flight 815_**

Cindy: How's the drink?

Jack: Well to be quite honest, it sucks Miss.

Cindy: (hands bottle of booze) Cheers! First island mystery to be solved through flashback!

Jack: (confused) Guess I need to get more drunk.

(Plane starts to shake)

Rose: Well, I hope that this plane _wants_ to stay in the air.

(Plane starts to fall out of the sky)

Jack: I'll never let go Rose!

Rose: Well since Bernard's in the bathroom, I guess these next few moments are going to be _extremely_ messed up for him!

**Scn: Plane wreckage**

Jack: Damn, I knew not boinking Ana-Lucia in the tail section was the right thing to do.

Hurley: So uh, what should we do with all the B-O-D-E-E-Z?

Michael: What the hell are you spelling man?

Walt: Err…I think the fat guy's trying to spell bodies.

Everybody: (Laughs)

Hurley: Hmm, comic relief. I could get used to that one.

Jack: So, me and Kate are going to make our first of many life-threatening treks into the jungle.

Charlie: Brilliant. I'll come too.

Jack: No, it's okay. I think a hobbit's just gonna slow us down.

Charlie: Hey! As of now, you're all a bunch of nobodies!! I was in bloody Lord of the Rings!! I'm the most famous one here and you better show me some respect!

Jack: Fine, just come along! (mumbles) Party of Five was GREAT.

**Scn. Walking across a valley**

Charlie: You all everybody! Oh you all everybody!

Kate: Strange, you look familiar from somewhere.

Charlie: Well, for starters I play base in Driveshaft. How cool is that?

Kate: Driveshaft? More like Suckshaft.

Charlie: Bollocks, looks like I've been reduced to comic relief as well.

**Scn: Plane cockpit in the middle of rainy jungle**

Jack: Ooh, looks like things are about to get dramatic.

Charlie: I think I'll just quietly sneak off to this bathroom here…

Pilot: SWEET JESUS, I'M ALIVE!!!

Jack: Great, now where's the God damn transceiver?

Pilot: It doesn't matter, we're over a thousand miles off course.

Jack: What the hell? You call yourself a pilot?

Pilot: Yeah, but I also call myself a habitual drunkard.

Jack: Now I know where the stewardess gets it from… Hey, where the hell's Charlie?

Charlie: (bursts out of bathroom) All right, I'm gonna be a lot happier now.

Kate: So….what exactly what were you doing in there?

Charlie: Say what?

Monster: Well, it'd just be too cliché if the pilot died, but unfortunately I've been informed to stay away from the Doc.

Pilot: (gets ripped out of cockpit, blood splatters on window)

Charlie: Err…good time to run?

Jack & Kate: HELL YEAH!

**Scn: Rainy jungle**

Jack: (extremely panicked running)

Kate: (extremely panicked running)

Charlie: (extremely clichéd trip and fall)

Jack: Gee, if this was real life, would I really be risking my neck to save a Hobbit?

Charlie: (shouting faintly in the distance) All three Lord of the Rings movies!!! Huge blockbusters!!

Jack: Shit.

Kate: (hides behind tree) JAACCKK!! Wait, what did he tell me to do? Oh, count to five.

Audience: OMG, she was actually paying attention through that moldy story?!

Kate: Hey, Charlie! Where the hell's Jack?

Charlie: Oh come on, since when does the comic relief _know_ anything?

Jack: Hey, I'm right here. I had to heroically run back to save Charlie, the monster was coming up close so I then had to heroically hide in the bushes.

Charlie: Err… that's heroic?

Jack: Say, what's that in the tree?

(Flashes to gruesome shot of Pilot's torn up body hanging in a tree)

Charlie: Nice distraction mate. Nice distraction.


	2. The Pilot: Part 2

The Pilot: Part Two

**Scn: Jack, Kate, Charlie walking through jungle**

Kate: So Charlie, what were you doing in that bathroom?

Charlie: Thought you could tell. I was puking.

Kate: (sarcastically) Oh yeah, I could definitely tell by that huge, creepy grin you had on your face when you came out.

Charlie: (stops walking, evil look appearing on face) Guess what? I've got a secret!

_**Scn: Oceanic Flight 815**_

Charlie: (furiously tapping fingers against seat) Bloody hell, if only I could get that damned "You All Everybody" song out of my head!

Cindy: Excuse me, Mr. Pippin? Are you okay?

Charlie: IT'S MERRY!! MERRY!!!! WHY DOES EVERYBODY THINK I WAS PIPPIN!?!?! AND YES, I'M FINE!!!!!!

Cindy: (mutters) Must be the drugs.

Charlie: (runs into bathroom, kisses drugs good-bye and throws the bag in the toilet)

Attendant: Sir, get your ass out of there this instant!

Charlie: Just a minute!

(Plane starts to shake, mass panic)

Charlie: Wow, so this is what heroin's like on a plane!?!?

**Scn: Beach**

Michael: Excuse me Asian lady, have you seen my son?

Sun: Yeebosheebo bvoingyshmack.

Michael: Oh, you guys are _actually _from Asia. Sorry bout that, I'll just communicate using some really dumb and cheesy hand motions.

Jin: Haba laba chingowak! (Sun, close your top button!)

Sun: (becomes a stereotype and obeys her husband)

Michael: (realizes what's going on) Man, even on a deserted island you can't get away from some good ol' racism.

**Scn: Jungle**

Walt: Vincent! Here boy!

Michael: Walt, there you are! For a second there, I'd thought you'd been kidnapped.

Walt: Dad, come on. It's not Season 2 yet!

Michael: (sees handcuffs) Walt! You're a convict!?!

Walt: Something tells me that my dad's not exactly gonna be the one solving mysteries on the island.

**Scn: Plane wreckage**

Sayid: (fighting Sawyer) You've been in our country for four years!! Where's the exit strategy!?!?

Sawyer: Well, why the hell'd your terrorist buddies have to attack us, huh!?!?!

Sayid: You idiot!!! IT WAS BIN LADEN!!!!!

Sayid: THE SHOE FITS BUDDY!!!! FREEDOM!!!! I'M AN AMERICAN!!

Jack: All right guys, break it up! Terrorists over here, rednecks over there.

Michael: Hey man, my kid found these handcuffs in the jungle.

Kate: (split second) Oh shit.

Sawyer: Hey, I saw that guy on the plane, hands folded underneath a blanket! I saw bombs in his backpack!

Hurley: Hey come on man, we're all stuck on this crappy island together.

Sawyer: Shut up commie!

Jack: All right, I guess you really are an idiot. Why don't you just shut the hell up?

Sawyer: Whatever, Doc. You're the hero.

Jack: You're God damn right I am.

**Scn: Sayid fixing the transceiver**

Hurley: So, how's betting that Sawyer's gonna be the first one to die?

Sayid: I'd give it about 5-1 shot. He's definitely an asshole, but however there is a dark side to him that many female viewers will find very attractive. My guess is on the pregnant girl, she's very hot as well but I believe many male viewers won't be able to enjoy her as much considering she has the stomach the size of an elephant.

Hurley: Wow, you're really good at figuring people out. What was your job in the real world? FBI, CIA?

Sayid: Actually I was the regional collections supervisor for a box company.

Hurley: Really?

Sayid: Nah, I'm just messin with ya. I was actually a very skilled torturer for the Iraqi military.

Hurley:……………..

Sayid:………………….

Hurley: So, our countries are kind of kicking the shit out of each other right now, huh?

Sayid: ……………………..

**Scn: Kate bathing in ocean**

Kate: Oh yes, I am so worthy of being a Playboy centerfold.

Sun: Tradahada! (points back towards wreckage)

Kate: Korean lady? You were spying on me from behind those rocks?

Sun: (sighs) Cada dooa baba booa. (Damn the fact that I can understand English.)

**Scn: Hurley on the shore**

Jin: Chichi nodowi! (Hey, try my sushi!)

Hurley: What, you want me to eat that? Where's the fries?

Jin: Heda yega shiyowi. (Please, it will make you lose over fifty pounds in two weeks or your money back.)

Hurley: Dude, I am starving (audience rolls eyes) but I'm nowhere near that hungry.

Jin: (pissed off, walks away)

Hurley: (points and laughs) Haha! You can't speak English and your sushi sucks!

**Scn: Shannon crying over a dead body**

Boone: Shannon, are you ever going to do a scene that _won't _embarrass both of us?

Shannon: This guy was special. I swear I had a crush on him for almost ten minutes!

Boone: You know Shannon, I say this with full honesty that you really are the most worthless character on the island.

Shannon: It is so easy to make fun of me and you're good at it!

Boone: Yeah, in fact it's so easy I swear that you and I could be comic relief!

Shannon: (gasps)

Boone: Oh wow, I really did go too far there didn't I?

Shannon: Comic relief, huh? Just for that, I'm going to go risk my life on the next life-threatening hike!

Boone: (hears life-threatening and shudders)

(Shannon walks up to Kate and the others)

Shannon: Count me in on the next hike, please.

Boone: Shannon, what the hell are you doing?

Shannon: What the hell are _you _doing?

Boone: Quit trying to be stupid!

Shannon: Quit trying to be charming!

Kate: O…kay. Nice way of introducing yourselves guys.

Sayid: Look, I really don't think that a spoiled island bitch character is exactly what we need on this hike.

Shannon: What would you know about it, terrorist?

Sayid: (secretly) I love you.

Shannon: (secretly) I know.

Stoned Charlie: Ooh, I like blondes.

**Scn: Jack searching through luggage**

Michael: Man, it sucks to be on this beautiful, deserted island and stuck with a little kid.

Jack: Should have used protection. I'm a doctor, I should know.

Michael: Man, you think you can just stick that title to anything you say and that makes it right?

Jack: Yeah. You suck at being dad, don't you?

Michael: Yeah.

**Scn: Claire writing in her diary**

Jin: Shik shik noshik! (Hey, try my disgusting sushi!)

Claire: You know, I'm supposed to be the sweet one but even I can't touch that crap.

Jin: Jitashi nosoko. (Please, I need to feel useful)

Claire: Well, okay. I haven't felt my baby move in two days and I definitely don't want to be carrying around some dead weight.

(Claire eats nasty fish)

Claire: (orgasms) Here, touch my stomach!

Jin: Jibo! jibo! (No! Stay out of my personal space bubble!)

**Scn: Jungle**

Sawyer: You know, all our hikes would look sweet if we always had one of those high-budget montages.

Sayid: Yes, if only our hair always looked this good as well.

Charlie: Look out guys! Something in the bushes is running right towards us!

Sawyer: (pulls out gun) Fuck the monster. (shoots)

Polar Bear: (flops out from bushes)

J.J: We're definitely going to need to CGI edit that!

**Scn: Jack tending to Mars**

Hurley: So…remind me, why am I the one that you picked to help you?

Jack: I could use the comic relief.

Hurley: Hey guy, you awake? Hey look, we're saved!! Err…hey look, Shannon's taking her top off!!

Mars: (awakens) WHERE IS SHE!?!

**Scn: Jungle**

Boone: So…this is a polar bear?

Kate: Never mind that, where the hell'd you get that gun. Sawyer?

Sawyer: I think I'll make myself sound as suspicious as possible and just answer, I got it off one of the bodies.

Shannon: Umm, I don't think people carry guns on planes…do they?

Sawyer: Well, this guy was sort of a U.S. Marshal.

Sayid: Ha! Now I've finally got something on you! You're the prisoner!

Sawyer: I thought you were supposed to be good at figuring people out, Allah?

Sayid: It's only the Pilot, you really expect us to have developed our characters already?

Kate: Guess what? I've got a secret!

_**Scn: Oceanic Flight 815**_

Mars: Well, I've finally caught you, Kate. The only problem is, I've been chasing you for so long I can't even remember what your crime was.

Kate: Well, I could say it right now, but I need all the flashback material I can get.

(Plane starts to fall)

Mars: (hit in head with suitcase) Damn you…Kate.

Tail Section: See you next season! (breaks off)

Kate: OH SHIIIIITTTT!!!!

**Scn: Hill**

Sayid: All right, let's see if this transceiver can send out a signal. But the bad news is, if it can then it means we didn't get picked up for a full season.

Charlie: What's this? A woman speaking French!? Who can translate?

Boone: Hey, Shannon can!

Shannon: No way! I'm too busy being lazy and useless!

Sawyer: I'll just stand back here and be an asshole!

Shannon: Okay, she's saying "Please help us….save us…it killed them all…Boone is a…douche."

Kate: Good translation, but what does it mean?

Sawyer: I think it means that J.J. and Damon are still at the part where they can make up random mysteries and not have to give a damn how or when they get answered.

Charlie: (-Place Season 1 tagline here-)


	3. Tabula Rasa

**Author's Note: It's BAACKK!!!**

Tabula Rasa

**Scn: Plane wreckage**

Claire: Hooray!! We're actually a show now!!!

Mars: Okay, listen you know that hot freckled chick with the nice smile and hot ass? Yeah, she's a convict buddy. Check it out, I always keep a picture of her in my jacket pocket.

Jack: (checks picture) Oh, woe is me!!

**Scn: Hill**

Charlie: Ookay.. so we're a show now. Anybody know what to do next?

Sawyer: Well, I think I'll just be an ass and leave the group.

Kate: You shouldn't leave, Sawyer. That thing that's knocking down the trees will get you.

Sawyer: Hurley?

**Scn: Campfire**

Sayid: Okay, this stick represents us. This rock here will be Australia. (Throws stick) And that's what happened to us.

Charlie: Well, bollocks.

Sawyer: Okay, that's great Abdul but how bout we keep the viewers interested and talk about that French chick who said they're all dead?

Sayid: Yes, I've been thinking it over and have decided that it would probably be best if we just kept that to ourselves. Besides, then we'll all have an important secret to make us better than all the other castaways.

Kate: Sounds good.

Boone: No complaints.

Shannon: I need the points.

Sawyer: Yeah, me too.

Charlie: Hey guys, what if some Ringwraiths show up when we sleep?

Everybody:……………. (points and laughs)

Charlie: Ah, bollocks.

**Scn: Medical tent**

Hurley: So, you think that monster was a dinosaur?

Jack: Uhh, are you stupid or something?

Hurley: Hey, that guy laying unconscious looks hurt! What's this in his jacket? (Finds mug shot of Kate)

Jack: ……………

Hurley: Dude, is she like one of those centerfold models or something?

Jack: Err…sure, let's go with that.

**Scn: Hill**

Boone: I'll try to be useful and sneak around stealing the gun parts from everyone so I can stand guard without telling anyone.

Sayid: What the hell!?! If there was another group of unknown people on the island, I would so accuse you of being one right now!

Shannon: Boone, what are you doing? You don't believe in guns, you go on marches!

Everybody: (Laughs at Boone's pussyness)

Charlie: How about Kate holds the gun?

Sayid: Sounds good. She's obviously the least suspicious person here.

Audience: OMG, she's a convict!!!!

Kate: Well, you'd better hope that whatever I did doesn't involve psychopathic killing around a campfire.

_**Scn: Australian Farm**_

Kate: (wakes up) What am I doing lying in this hay?

Ray: Morning lass. Welcome to your first flashback episode.

**Scn: Plane wreckage**

Sayid: Well, we're back from our life-threatening hike!

Hurley: What'd you find?

Sayid: Nothing at all! Well, except a polar bear.

Kate: Jack, can I talk to you alone for a second?

Jack: Oh Jesus, she's gonna kill me! She's gonna kill me!

Kate: Something wrong?

Jack: No, nothing! So what'd you want to tell me convi-, I mean Kate.

Kate: Well, Sayid told us to lie to everyone and say that we didn't find anything but, since you're a main cast member I guess it's okay. We actually found a crazy French woman on the radio who was talking about dead people.

Jack: Uhh….anything else?

Kate: So, did that guy with the shrapnel wake up?

Jack: (gulp) No!

Kate: He say anything?

Jack: (Oh God!!!) N-no!!

Kate: Well, if he _does_ wake up or he _does _say anything, tell him that Kate Austen's waiting for him.

Jack: ……………….(wets pants)

**Scn: Medical tent**

Hurley: So what'd she say?

Jack: I really don't remember, I was too busy soiling myself.

Hurley: Well, did you tell her that you knew??

Jack: Sorry Hurley, but she's the one girl on this island that I actually have a chance of mad, island sex with. I just gotta keep believing that she didn't pay a parking meter or something.

Hurley: I think you're screwed, dude.

Jack: Well have you gone inside the plane yet for medicine?

Hurley: But the bodies are in there!! I think they might be dead!!

Jack: Okay, okay I'll do it. After all, I _am _a doctor.

**Scn: Inside fuselage**

(Jack searching through luggage, hears movement inside)

Jack: Boar?

Sawyer: Nope. Sawyer.

Jack: What are you doing in here?

Sawyer: Just a little trick-or-treating.

Jack: (confused) Aren't you looting?

Sawyer: No, I'm _taking_.

Jack: What do you got in your bag?

Sawyer: Booze, smokes, Playboy. Pretty much anything that would express that I'm the island badass. What's in yours?

Jack: Medicine. Damn, I guess that expresses that I'm the island nerd.

Sawyer: Well, that pretty much sums it up. Guess now it's competition for Kate, huh?

Jack: (laughs) Yeah right, as if she'd ever wind up with you.

**Scn: Medical tent**

Kate: Hey there, I don't think we've met.

Hurley: Oh God, I'm definitely not ready for this!

Kate: Something wrong?

Hurley: N-no, nothing! Have I ever mentioned how much I enjoy every second of my life?

Kate: Umm, why are you acting so weird? HE didn't wake up, did he?

Hurley: Oh Jesus, I can't do this! I gotta go get water NOW!!

Kate: (checks on Mars) Haha, you're going to die and I'm not!

Mars: (wakes up and chokes Kate) GUESS AGAIN BITCH!!!!

_**Scn: Australian Farm**_

Kate: All right, time to ditch this Australian loser with a creepy fake arm.

Ray: Annie, after all we've been through. Not even a kiss goodbye?

Kate: Sorry Ray, but I really just can't stay with one guy for too long.

Ray: All right, well how about I show my gratitude by driving you to the station tomorrow?

Kate: Okay. Hey wait a minute, this wouldn't just be some cunning attempt to try and trick me would it?

Ray: Here, we'll shake hands on it. Oh, err how about the fake arm this time?

**Scn: Medical tent**

Kate: (gasps) J-jack. He-elp me.

Jack: Damn, I know she's a criminal but she's SO bangin HOTT. (pulls Mars from Kate) Kate, can we step out into the rain to have a dramatic scene for a second?

Kate: Instead of having him hang around for a few more days, can't you just kill him now?

Jack: I saw your sexy mug shot Kate! I am NOT a murderer… so you all at home can start expecting some lousy flashbacks.

_**Scn: Ray driving Kate to station**_

Kate: Ray, what are you looking for?

Ray: Hey, isn't this Patsy Cline music great?

Kate: What the hell? You're giving me up to the marshal?

Ray: If it makes you feel any better, I actually thought about it for a few moments Annie.

Kate: MY NAME'S NOT ANNIE!! (goes into freak-out mode)

**Scn: Fuselage**

Michael: Hey Walt, I couldn't help but notice that creepy bald guy you were hanging out with earlier.

Walt: Mr. Locke? Man, he's the coolest person I've ever met. He also told me some secrets.

Michael: Huh? Like what?

Walt: Umm, I don't really remember. Something about his dad pushing him out of a window.

Michael: Man, this guy sounds pretty screwed up. I don't want you hanging around him anymore, he's probably gonna turn out to be one of those child molesters or something.

Walt: Uh……(awkward silence) Well, could you just get Vincent back then?

Michael: I'll get him back as soon as it stops raining okay?

Walt: BY THE WRATH OF SATAN, I COMMAND ALL YE DEMONS AND SPIRITS TO STOP THIS COLLECTION OF WATER AND TO FEAST ON THE INSOLENT MORTALS!

(Rain stops)

Michael: Damn.

**Scn: Jungle**

Michael: Man, this is stupid. I bet that damn dog didn't even survive. I should be back at camp ha- (runs into topless Sun)

Sun: …………..

Michael: Hey uh, I can't see anything. If you're worrying about it, I can't see anything. All right, one little peek.

Sun: (slaps)

**Scn: Fuselage**

Charlie: What are you making?

Locke: A whistle.

Charlie: Okay, that's a little weird. You know, I was in a band called Driveshaft once. Sorry…I just had to put that out there.

(Mars moans in pain in the distance)

Shannon: OMG, I wish he would just die already!

Boone: Damn, you're a bitch.

Sayid: Jack, is there anything I can do to help?

Jack: Yeah, please get me some new pants.

Sayid: Everyone wants to know what you're doing with that guy in there.

Jack: Uh…trying to save his life?

Sayid: Well, rumor has it you can't.

Jack: (punches Sayid in face)

**Scn: Campfire**

Sawyer: Well, hey there freckles. Just wanted to say thanks.

Kate: Why?

Sawyer: For taking that gun away from me. Hoowee, sure wouldn't want to be the one with that GUN right now. All that poor boy's doing is screaming, Lord knows we could use someone with a GUN. Hey Kate, have you ever heard of a band called GUNS and Roses?

Kate: OKAY, TAKE IT!!!

**Scn: Medical tent**

Mars: All right listen. No matter what she does, no matter what she says, no matter who she kisses, she will do anything to get away. Don't trust her.

Jack: What did she do?

Mars: Too early to reveal that. I want to talk to her. ALONE.

Jack: It's because she's sexy isn't it?

Mars: Yeah, pretty much.

_**Scn: Car accident**_

Kate: Oh no, I can't lose Ray! Oh well, at least now I can rip out that stupid fake arm.

Mars: Hey Kate, guess what? Gotcha!

**Scn: Medical tent**

Kate: Are you really not dead yet?

Mars: Are you really not going to give me a kiss before I die?

Kate: Uhm..no.

Mars: Fair enough. Well, can I at least know the favor you wanted to ask me before I got conked out?

Kate: Yeah, I wanted that old farmer guy to get some money. Pretty stupid, I know.

Mars: (laughs) Haha, yeah.

Kate: I have to admit, it's going to be pretty sweet for me once you're dead.

Mars: Are you gonna do it or what?

Kate: Send in the redneck.

**Scn: Beach**

Hurley: Yo dude, what's up. Did we kill off the guest star yet?

Jack: No, but Kate's talking to him right now.

Hurley: Dude, she's got that gun!

Jack: WTF?!?!

(gun shot, Sawyer steps out of the tent)

Jack: What did you do?

Sawyer: What you cookin?

(Mars gargles)

Hurley: Dude…

Jack: You shot him in the chest? Are you some kind of dumbass?

Sawyer: I was uh…aiming for the pancreas.

Jack: Haha, you missed.

Sawyer: I uh…only had one bullet.

Jack: SHIT! Now I'm gonna have to kill him!

Hurley: Oh the humanity!

Sawyer: (goes to smoke a cigarette) Damn it! I can't do anything right!! (cries)

Jack: Whew, well now that's over with, I think I'm going to go do some more staring at Kate's sexy mug shot.

**Scn: Fuselage**

Locke: Psst, I found your son's dog.

Michael: Cool, can I go bring him back so I look like the hero?

Locke: Yeah sure. I'm going to go make more wooden whistles.

Michael: I don't like you.

**Scn: Beach**

Kate: Hey Jack, I want to spill the beans on what I did.

Jack: Save it Kate. I just realized that if we're going to have a full season, we need all the suspense we can get.

Kate: That's really lame.

Jack: I know.

(Music plays happy song as we watch survivors do happy things.)

Locke: Boo!


End file.
